Pneumonia

I wrote this originally as a journal entry on May 14.  It's still hard to share, but it recounts the events of last week and I want to keep them here in our "family journal" as well.

"I need to write in my journal about this hectic week and some of the feelings I have.

It started with Lindi having a fever, booger nose, booger eyes, cough...all at Grandma Shinkle's house. I can handle fevers and boogers and babies that just don't feel good, even if it means having to hold them 23 hours a day. Even if the other hour is made up of small moments where someone else holds her for a minute so you can run to the bathroom every now and again.

Sometimes I felt like something was really wrong, but I would brush it off, because I'm a nurse. I can handle fevers and boogers.

On Saturday we finally got on our plane to Texas, headed to our dad. Lindi was not good and I knew it, but I kept denying it because we had to get to Texas and I was a nurse and I could handle it, but I kept panicking on the plane. What ifs...things I needed to not think about. She slept all day. She only woke up when I moved her to the stroller or when I jostled her around getting on and off the plane. She hadn't eaten solid food in a couple of days and now she was hardly nursing. She was miserable and I knew it.

We finally landed in Dallas. We got loaded into Grandma and Grandpa's truck and I sat in the backseat next to her. I sat there and deliberated. Why was I so stubborn? Why couldn't I admit to myself that she really needed help. Help I couldn't give. I finally decided to do the urgent care, but late on a Saturday night, it wasn't open. Let's just go home. But the Spirit told me no. Thank goodness He hadn't given up on my stubborn self. By the time we had her to the ER and I was holding her there in the light, I was scared by what I saw. She was really struggling to breathe. The sound was awful. "When did she get this bad?" I thought. Her temperature was 105.7. Too hot.

Those nurses swept down on her and took care of my baby while I fought feelings of failure. What kind of mom lets her baby get so sick? Why hadn't I done something sooner? I felt awful. I felt sick. No one ever questioned me, but no one needed to. I felt guilty enough.

Tylenol. Motrin. Breathing treatments. Oxygen. Fluids. Blood work. X-ray. Antibiotics. Steroids. Priesthood blessing. Within a few hours she had made a huge turn around. We were settled into an inpatient room for the night and we both slept well.

That's all hard to write. The pain is still raw and makes me ache when I remember how she was that night.

So, I spent Mother's Day in the hospital with my baby girl. I was supposed to spend the day with all of my family in my new house. We hadn't been all together in a whole month. I still haven't seen my new house and I've only gotten a small taste of the thick, humid, Texas air.

It's been four full days and we're still in the hospital. Lindi is feeling so much better. She's eating better. Her smiles are back and she's well enough to know she doesn't want to be here. But...when she sleeps her breathing is shallow and her oxygen saturation drops. She can't go home until she doesn't need oxygen for 24 hours. So, I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard. It's hard when the bed is hard and hurts your bum. It's hard when the hospital food is bland and unexciting. It's hard when you have such little space. It's hard when your baby is grouchy and you have to keep her from pulling out all her tubes and cords. It's hard when you had bargained to have your family apart for one month and one month only and suddenly you're adding on another week. I miss my boys.

I'm grateful first and foremost for my in-laws who have dropped everything to watch Hyrum, who have brought me treats, who love us so much. I'm grateful for a husband who stayed with me all day Sunday and who brings my boy Hyrum to see the girls everyday. I'm grateful for the medical staff who show a genuine interest in my sweet baby. I'm thankful my baby is well and getting better.

So, I write this mainly as a way to record it for myself, but maybe it's to help someone. To help someone as stubborn as me realize that sometimes we need help. To help someone learn to be patient. To help someone learn that life didn't always go according to plan. Maybe that someone is just a future me."

We stayed a total of 6 days in the hospital before we were able to finally come home. Lindi is still on antibiotics and steroids and breathings treatments.  The steroids give her insomnia which is awful for everyone, but especially her.  We're so grateful to be all together again.  Happy we have our Lind with us.  Her smiles are as big as ever and by golly one of these days she's gonna start walking.