I know I'm supposed to be studying for Pharm, but I can't do that effectively until I get this off my chest.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. The rock is nursing school. The hard place is being a wife and a mother. [Or vice versa, it doesn't matter.] I have too much on my plate. No matter what I do, I seem to fall short somewhere, but if I jump to catch one spinning plate from falling, I seem to knock the other one off balance on my way over.
I can't not work hard at school. This isn't like high school, where all you do is show up and you get to be valedictorian. I'm working my butt off and I feel like I'm just barely hanging on. Puting forth less time and effort would mean giving up scholarships or even not passing Junior 1. I told my mother-in-law the other day that is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. "Harder than having a baby?" she retorted. Yes. I'll have lots more babies, but I won't ever do nursing school again.
So whilst I spin the school plate, what plate is tottering? Family. I feel like a terrible mother. I say that and everyone says, WHATEVER. Well guess what?! I get frustrated with Little Boy when I need to study but he wants to play. Then, I get frustrated with myself for being frustrated with him. It's not his fault. Then, when he's tired beyond belief but he doesn't want to go to sleep and he's fighting me and he pulls my hair and pinches my face, I raise my voice and tell him to quit. And then I cry because I shouldn't yell.
And then he finally falls asleep and I should do my studying for Pharm...that's why I was so frustrated that he wouldn't go to sleep, but instead I just pick up my spinning plates, throw them out the window and blog.
Time to glue the pieces back together and start spinning again.
Jeri Lin, I've followed your blog for a while and I can say that this is something that every woman feels and goes through. It's one of the essential problems that women face, women specifically. Some would even say that it's one of the essential questions that feminism struggles with today. How do we do it all? Especially in this economy, when school is more important than ever and we still value our families as much.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any answers, but I can tell you that you aren't alone. Don't guilt yourself and remember that everyone struggles with balance, but especially mothers. Don't be too hard on yourself and remember than you aren't alone.
And if it's any consolation, I say this as I'm supposed to be reading and finding allegories Edmund's Spenser's The Faerie Queen.
I love you and admire you for what you are doing right now, but you can't be perfect in everything you do. You can do both, you are doing both but take a step back and look at things in perspective. Yes you will pass nursing but it will take some effort. Little boy will love you no matter what, but when he really "NEEDS" you let him have you all of you and then go back to student mode. You and Tony are both extremely busy and this will not get any easier, (not in the near future anyway) but I know you and know you are so capable of doing this. DON"T GIVE UP! Pray for the knowledge and strength to get done what you need to each day so you can be the best you can be as a wife and mother first and student second. You are able and you can do this! My thoughts and prayers are with you!
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